I’m trying to soak up these baby-free days like it’s my last days on earth, or something. I’m not sure it’s the healthiest route. It says having children is a little bit like dying.
And I guess that is the truth. That is how I view it. You see, I’ve led such a carefree life. Spontaneous is built in me. Anything that grounds me, or roots me, is understood to be a little bit like chains.
I know I sound just awful. And truthfully, I used to view marriage like that. I remember Honey Dude saying at one point in our dating, “So let me get this right? You see marriage as oppressive? And I see it as freeing?” He was dumb-founded.
When he said it like that, I knew I was found out. It was the beliefs behind all of my dating woes that had trapped me. The thing about those beliefs is that they were lies. And I was believing them. When Honey Dude talked about marriage, it did a little something to me. It started to shine light on the un-truths I had held so dearly for so long.
I needed to hear all of those beautiful musings of his heart. And he would share them again and again and again, tirelessly trying to break down that which had built up in me. Even though he was like a broken record, I ate it up. He could say the exact same thing, with the same look in his eye, and I would receive it as if it was brand new data. Truly, my heart just soaked it up like a sponge.
He was relentless, no doubt. But I praise God for that. Because I needed it. Above all, it communicated to me the kind of love God has for me. The kind of relentless pursuit He had on me. And the truth that He wanted to share with me, again and again and again. If only I would listen.
The truth about having babies, of course, is that it really is like dying — dying to self, that is. But God promises life to those who are willing to lose it (Matthew 10:39, Matthew 16:25, John 12:25). In simpler terms, this means making life about others, not self. Marriage is the perfect example. When I choose to serve my Honey Dude with love, it sometimes comes as a sacrifice. And yet, I have found it to be the most life-giving adventure of all.
I have a feeling raising children will be an exaggerated version of this, with greater sacrifices and even greater joy. For this, I should temper my perspective. To be excited, not anxious. When the time comes and the stork flies, so to speak, I predict the tides will turn. For now, I’ll probably continue to celebrate simple moments with Honey Dude, while he’s still mine, all mine.