I’ve implied it from the very beginning, in vague comments and musings of our future. But I haven’t been able to pen the truth in plain language, for all to see. I guess that’s because baby-making is a private journey between husband and wife, from the joyful intimacy to the continual whispers, prayers, and dreams about the someday child they would swaddle and cuddle and raise with conviction.
As private as it is, it is also lonely after several emotional months. You want to talk about it, struggle through it with women who will pull you into their lap, rock you tender like a baby and tell you it will be OK. So little by little, I let my friends into this place of hurt only to be wowed by endless encouragement and hearts full of hope, rooting not necessarily for a healthy pregnancy but for faith and courage, the two missing links in my tether to Christ.
After many months of hoping and praying for that little bebe to join our nest, we find ourselves now in a state of peace. I’ve surrendered the battle into the Lord’s hands. He knows our desires. And we hope strong, waiting on His perfect timing and holding onto His promises. He has so much in store for us. Why would we want to run ahead of His plan or find dissatisfaction in life simply because of one shy request unmet?
As my friend, Lori, reminded me: I need to be grateful for the blessings I do have. An incessantly sweet husband, an incredibly rewarding job, a lovely home and financial peace. Family who loves richly and gives generously. Friends who are there to share the pains and fears of infertility. This computer, this chair, this blanket settled cozy in my lap. A backyard garden bursting into life. Horseshoes, bocce ball and Bananagrams. Food, amazing food. And clean, delicious tap water at my sheer disposal, day after day, year after year.
My list of thanks could last a lifetime. And I want it to. I don’t want to find myself in a pity party where I’m focused on poor me and the one thing I don’t have, or the dozens of things I don’t have. Pregnancy is a gift. Bearing children is a blessing. But if I am unable to have children, it doesn’t mean God loves me any less. It doesn’t mean I deserved it because of my past. It’s just a part of His plan. And He knows best. Period.
Thank you for being a part of this spectacular journey, friends. I rest peacefully today, but tomorrow brings another day. Pray we would continue to have courage and faith and hope in our one true God. Baby or not, we will praise Him!