Baby bumps + bundles of joy · Faith · Someday Mom

Infertility? Fake it til you make it.

The waiting game is hard enough. But the latest insult came when recently rejected by our health care provider.

“Sorry, we can’t see you,” they said. “Call back when you’ve been trying for at least 13 months.” I was disgusted. “What? Are you kidding?” I asked. “I’m telling you we want to come in and pay you to look over this issue. And you’re rejecting us this freedom?”

Yep. They did. They rejected us.

At least let us get a leg up on the issue. Let us meet with someone and hear some options, for crying out loud (oh, and I will, let me tell you; I’ll wail loud and ugly-faced).

mom-with-toddler-at-the-beachIn truth, I’m trying to just push the whole thing out of my mind, to fake it ’til I make it. But it’s awfully difficult. Especially when you’re at the beach and you see the happiest little family photo session happening in front of you, followed by mom and dad grasping their toddler’s chubby little hands and running towards the splashing waves like a movie trailer scene set to a ballad by Bette Midler. I lost it with that one. Totally lost it like I didn’t even know what hit me. Open-mouthed crying, deep hurt and longing pouring from my heart like a wave of little sea shells washed to shore. Kyle-Fleming-Photography-Family-walking-down-beach-sunset

Before then, I thought I’d been free of it. I thought I had settled that score and left it up to God. I would trust Him and His plan, I told myself. I wouldn’t fret, wouldn’t worry, wouldn’t track my ovulation or even care, for that matter. But it was all in vain. I couldn’t fake it at all.

So now I’m in this place where I’m not sure what to do. I suppose I need to keep trying to surrender it to God. Daily! But I also need to allow the tears to flow. I don’t want to fake it. Because it’s a lie. The truth is: I’m struggling. It’s OK to admit it, even when I know what I should believe and who I should hope in. I wish I had it all together and practiced what I preached. But it’s hard to trust God on this one. Because what if He doesn’t grant me my wish? What then? Does that mean I will miss out on the adventure completely? Even if He has other plans for us, better plans, can I swallow the pill? Can I take the cup?

My Jesus did. He took the cup. He didn’t want to, but he did…out of obedience, surrender, submission to what God was asking of Him. Still, he prayed in the garden  just prior to his arrest and persecution: “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will” (Mark 14:36). He later tells his disciples, perhaps identifying his own struggles: “The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak” (v 38).

So weak. Willing, yet so weak.

That is my prayer. I shall write it on my heart and whisper it in my bed. Abba, Daddy, please take this from me. Yet not my will, but yours. I am weak and selfish; help me to surrender even when I do not understand.  

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7 thoughts on “Infertility? Fake it til you make it.

  1. Becky Blue Eyes…I wandered over to your post to try the mango chicken salad, which by the way was absolutely delicious, but I was drawn by your infertility post. As I sit here trying to keep quiet so I do not wake my precious new baby, I’m reminded of just how blessed my husband and I are. A year ago I was in your shoes…my husband and I tried for almost three years, but last year was by far the hardest. He is in the military and deployed to Afghanistan shortly after we had our infertility fears confirmed. The doctor told me I had a 30% chance of conceiving on our own without IVF and only a 5% chance of carrying to term. We were devastated to learn I may not be able to have children and while he had always been by my side when I took numerous pregnancy tests only to be disappointed…last year he was gone and I had to get by on my own. I can’t tell you the number of times I was told to trust in his timing and put it in God’s hands. It is incredibly difficult regardless of the amount of faith you have. I cried myself to sleep so many nights just asking God why we couldn’t have a child and I always heard the same response “just wait”. I tried my very best to trust in God and his timing and asked for peace if I couldn’t have a baby. I did a lot of research on my issue, changed my diet, and tried acupuncture. My husband returned home in April and in June we found out I was pregnant. No fertility treatments, no hormones, it just happened on its own. I had the most perfect pregnancy without any morning sickness. I was healthy, our baby was healthy and I felt great the entire pregnancy. We now have the most beautiful, blue eyed baby girl we’ve ever laid eyes on. I haven’t shared my story with many, but I felt compelled to tell you to hang in there, stay strong in your faith, and pray harder than you’ve ever prayed in your life. I know this is an older post so I hope in the meantime you have a child or are expecting, meanwhile I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers. God Bless You!

    1. Thank you, Wendy! You have an amazing story. And it is indeed one to share. It has been a struggle, and we haven’t any good news yet. We know well this concept of waiting and feel at peace (presently), knowing His timing is – as you said – best. Congratulations on your beautiful bundle of joy! Isn’t it amazing how much more grateful we are when it isn’t just handed to us at first desire? May God bless you in your journey from here!

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