It’s been many months unsaid, but yes, we are still carrying the burden of barrenness, such an ugly word. But it is a worse reality. We have been trying, without success, to bring a little baby into this world for more than two years now. That is 24 months of agony. Twenty-four months of built-up hope and dashed dreams. “Emotional miscarriages,” I have termed them. You can easily convince yourself that you’re pregnant. Yes, you’ll say, I definitely have an increased sense of smell. Is that little, bitty tummy-ache the start of morning sickness? Yep, for sure.
It’s awful what your brain will do to you, how your heart will betray you. And it’s a lonely road. Because no one understands. No one hears those incessant thoughts like you do or hopes strong like you do. No one hears the silent prayers that run through your head day after day after day. Like you do.
I can speak freely of it now because I have hovered in the safety zone for some time now. I can easily recover from the hope/loss cycle, because it’s A) familiar, and B) the norm. There is still hope, but it wanes more and more each passing month.
My hope has transitioned. It’s more in God’s plan for our lives than in my plan for my life. I remind myself daily that there has to be a reason. Maybe it’s because God wants us to serve others instead of serving our children. Maybe it’s because it’s simply not the best time. Maybe it’s because God has a child out there who needs loving parents like us.
I have the joy of sharing this burden with my incredibly loving husband. He has held me in my tears, caressed my back, and shared God’s heart with me. Recently, he took the initiative to call a local adoption agency and get the ball rolling on what could be our journey into parenthood. I am fortunate to have this Honey Dude of mine take the lead on this stuff, but both of us have values for adoption running decades deep. We know there is need out there, and we are both willing. So it seems very like God to take advantage of our willingness with something so close to His heart.
Let’s just see what happens next. Your prayers, as always, are welcome.