It’s been many months unsaid, but yes, we are still carrying the burden of barrenness, such an ugly word. But it is a worse reality. We have been trying, without success, to bring a little baby into this world for more than two years now. That is 24 months of agony. Twenty-four months of built-up hope and dashed dreams. “Emotional miscarriages,” I have termed them. You can easily convince yourself that you’re pregnant. Yes, you’ll say, I definitely have an increased sense of smell. Is that little, bitty tummy-ache the start of morning sickness? Yep, for sure.
It’s awful what your brain will do to you, how your heart will betray you. And it’s a lonely road. Because no one understands. No one hears those incessant thoughts like you do or hopes strong like you do. No one hears the silent prayers that run through your head day after day after day. Like you do.
I can speak freely of it now because I have hovered in the safety zone for some time now. I can easily recover from the hope/loss cycle, because it’s A) familiar, and B) the norm. There is still hope, but it wanes more and more each passing month.
My hope has transitioned. It’s more in God’s plan for our lives than in my plan for my life. I remind myself daily that there has to be a reason. Maybe it’s because God wants us to serve others instead of serving our children. Maybe it’s because it’s simply not the best time. Maybe it’s because God has a child out there who needs loving parents like us.
I have the joy of sharing this burden with my incredibly loving husband. He has held me in my tears, caressed my back, and shared God’s heart with me. Recently, he took the initiative to call a local adoption agency and get the ball rolling on what could be our journey into parenthood. I am fortunate to have this Honey Dude of mine take the lead on this stuff, but both of us have values for adoption running decades deep. We know there is need out there, and we are both willing. So it seems very like God to take advantage of our willingness with something so close to His heart.
Let’s just see what happens next. Your prayers, as always, are welcome.
Wife, Mother, Maker 
Thank you for sharing Becky! I don’t know how it feels to be in your situation, but I do know that God challenges us again and again, and he gives us plenty of things that we alone can’t handle so that we’ll fall on him. I always remember you saying, “Maybe I can’t even have kids.” “We’d love to adopt!” I’m excited to see where this journey takes you…to see what more you learn and how deeply you grow! I miss you and Pete.
Oh Beck dear, you will be a great mom someday no matter how your little one comes to you.
Lori Calvert
Been there, done that. Not fun! Then endured four miscarriages before we gave up. Hope your future is more productive.
It has been my experience with infertility that whenever you can give it to God and let him create what he will with your life, which sounds like you are there :), He will make amazing things happen and he will fill your heart and mind with such gratitude for the journey. You will be a mom someday, it just might take time.
Thank you. I am trying! Every day is its own emotional battle. The good days are when I set it all aside and allow Christ to satisfy my heart and leave me content, grateful for my many blessings instead of upset about not getting what I want.
It took us about two years of trying as well. I knew it would be something knowing that it took my mom 9 years of trying. God knows and will show his plan to you in due time. I pray that you have the strength during this journey.
Wow, nine years. I cannot fathom the amount of agony spread across that time. I thank you for sharing your own struggles with me, too. It feels a lonely road sometimes. Thanks for coming alongside of me on the road. xo
Hello new friend, or shall I say a gal I have not met before but stumbled onto your blog via looking for Jazzercise classes! One never knows! So, Jazzercise aside, my passion is to pray for other women and their role as hope to be mom or mom. I have walked your struggle as well, with lose and grief and hope and joy. Praying today that God fills your heart this Christmas in ways only God can know…be well, and blessings as you live into each new day!
Thank you so much, Linda. Your kindness is a gift as much as your prayers. God bless you!